When I was little, my grandmother used to make hot peanut butter cookies for me. I would sit on a stool in her kitchen and watch her mix the ingredients, bake them in the oven, and then use the tines of a fork to make a criss-crossed design on them when they came out. More than thirty years after the last time those experiences occurred, the smell of hot peanut butter cookies instantaneously, and seemingly magically, transports me back to those moments. I’ve missed her every day since she passed away, but the memories that are triggered by that smell helps me still see her face, her smile, and it even helps me still hear her voice. The smell of hot peanut butter cookies is a memory cue that takes me there, and I’m grateful for the neurological mnemonic mechanism that can unexpectedly elicit such a warm memory of a peaceful time.
Memory cues take us back to earlier times. “Cues” are any kind of stimuli that trigger memory. We tend to notice them when they elicit peaceful feelings, largely because we are more likely to talk about them, share them with others, and might even look forward to recreating situations that can intentionally take us back to mental places we want to be. We notice these cues because we want to; but what about the memory cues that bring up so much pain for us that we don’t want to notice them? The song that was playing in the background when you were pouring your heart out to your loved one, the billboard you passed on the drive taking your son or daughter to rehab, and even the pungent smell of the anti-bacterial soap in the hospital emergency room restroom, all constitute memory cues that, whether you want to consciously notice or not, can place you instantly back to terrifying moments where the disease of addiction almost took your loved one from you permanently. If your loved one is currently in recovery, then the odds are that you will encounter stimuli that serve as memory cues eliciting fearful, sad and devastating memories for you. It would certainly be understandable and make sense why you wouldn’t want to notice those cues, but the reality is that if a memory has been elicited and is present for you and you don’t shine light on it, it can significantly impact you – including the way you talk to your loved one.
What To Do with Your Memory Cues
First, it’s okay to notice memory cues. Second, it’s okay to share them. You shining light on why you’re feeling the way you are only makes your communication more effective. So, for instance, if a memory cue regarding your son in recovery brings up suspicion of him engaging in old behavioral patterns is elicited because you heard a song on the radio that triggered painfully anxiety-producing memories, then bringing that memory cue to your foreground gives you a chance to make an honest assessment of it. Yes, your son might very well be in the process of relapsing, but if he honestly isn’t, and you treat him as though he’s lying or doing something that he’s simply not doing, then you engage in an unnecessary conflict brought about by an unconscious memory cue. Again, it’s worth it to note that you might very well be accurate in your assessment of his engaging in old behavioral patterns, but you’ll have a better chance to interact with him more effectively if you can understand where your assessment is originating.
Bringing unconscious memory cues to your awareness will not make them happen more; in fact, by bringing them to your conscious awareness, you can both talk out the way they are impacting you currently, and work on extinguishing their intensity in the future. For example, sticking with the idea that in one case it’s a song that’s bringing up the intense fear/anxiety: The more you understand the associations that exist around the song, the more awareness you’ll have to either turn the song off or even manage the self-talk you have when the song comes on. With new associations, the song loses power for triggering unconscious and unneeded fear/anxiety in you.
If memory cues are unconscious, how can I notice them?
It can be difficult to tell just which stimuli are impacting you; but here’s what you can notice: If you feel more agitated, irritable, fearful, angry, suspicious, or sad than normal, and you cannot find an immediate reason for why you’re feeling the way you are, it’s very possible that you encountered a memory cue that triggered a painful memory below your conscious awareness. By practicing taking a moment to pause and ask yourself why you feel the way you do, including what might be contributing to your thoughts and feelings, you can often trace its origin. The more you do it, the faster you will be able to rule out possible contributing factors. For example, low blood sugar, lack of sleep, high stress, and a myriad other elements can contribute to why you feel the way you do, but the more you pay attention to what leads to what in the process of how you feel, including what triggers specific memories in you, the better you get at it.
Noticing Doesn’t Mean Stopping
As you make an effort to notice what memory cues might understandably be contributing to how you feel in the current moment, it’s wise to remember that noticing doesn’t mean you have to make yourself stop feeling something. You also don’t have to suspect that any suspicions you have of a loved one in recovery relapsing are automatically inaccurate or unconsciously influenced by memory cues. Bringing awareness to the many factors that can impact why you feel the way you do regarding your loved one in recovery is not about moving from one extreme of shaming to the other extreme of self-blame; rather, it’s about shining light on what’s actually happening in the present moment versus what memory you might be unconsciously reliving instead.
Just as a peaceful memory from an earlier time can bring up warm and happy feelings and contribute to positive communication with others, a negative memory can elicit the kind of overwhelming anxiety and fear that can adversely impact communication. In every case, the more aware you are of what leads to what, the better chance you have to get to where you want to be. For me, at least, I know I plan to continue to consciously be around hot peanut butter cookies whenever I can.