Yield Theory is about meeting people where they are, leading with compassion, humility and genuine curiosity, and consistently working to circumvent their fight or flight response to speak in ways that can be heard, regardless of the intensity of the emotions being experienced. It is straightforward to understand, but takes time to master. In the same way that a critic might condescendingly reduce martial arts by saying, “All they do is move, block and hit,” people might criticize Yield Theorists by saying, “All they do is listen, validate and explore options;” but just as simply saying the words “move, block and hit” it doesn’t make you a master martial artist (because it’s how you move, block and hit that makes all the difference), simply saying the words “listen, validate and explore options” doesn’t mean that you can do those three core actions effectively. At the end of the day, it’s how you listen, validate and explore options that makes all the difference, and that is why Yield Theory is anchored in seven fundamental components.
The more intentional you are with your approach to communication, the easier it is to identify where you might have been ineffective. Although we never “cause” each other to say or do certain things, we certainly influence each other. And just as others have an impact on you, you too, have an impact on others. In short, you play a role in every interaction you have, and the more mindful you are of the role you play, the better chance you have to understand what led to what that either enhanced or inhibited your ability to communicate clearly. All too often the ego is quick to declare that it “already knows” the answers or that it’s “right” about whatever it believes, but the heart of who we are, our essence (also called the Self or True Self) is truly humble, because it knows it is still learning. The more we can strive to respond from our essence, rather than our ego, the better chance each of us has at communicating from the absolutely best version of ourselves.
We cannot rush experience. It takes time to become an effective communicator. Ego plays a bigger role than we often realize, because it seems to want to constantly declare, “I know that already!” And the more time it spends declaring what it “knows,” the less it focuses on what it can learn. One of the biggest tools we have to guard against our egos is nonattachment. In other words, the less attached we are to needing to be right, the easier it is to challenge even our most deeply held certainties. But challenging our egos takes self-discipline, and self-discipline is hard to come by, so more often than not, people will challenge anything that challenges their ego, as striking down others is far easier than looking within.
I have dedicated my life’s work to creating, understanding, and teaching Yield Theory, and along the way I have told many stories to help illustrate what I aim to teach. Years ago I wrote the Fool on the Mountain story as a way to explain what “meeting people where they are” really means. The Cartoon World concept, for me, is the cornerstone to finding peace in the midst of chaos – and it is the very concept that I reflect on daily, because no amount of “knowing it” can completely eliminate it, only constant awareness is the key. The Great Watermelon Slayer is a story that exemplifies Yield Theory, and it is one that can take a lifetime to emulate.
My book Walking Through Anger explains Yield Theory in-depth. And just as simply saying the words “move, block and hit” aren’t enough to make you a master fighter – and moreover, no matter how many times you practice implementing moving, blocking and hitting in physical combat, every new fight presents new challenges – the same is true with listening, validating and exploring options. No matter how many times you have implemented them even perfectly in the past (if you believe you have), you will face new challenges in every new interaction and communication. The more you can strive to set your ego aside and meet others where they are, the better chance you have to talk, not just to talk, but to speak so that you can actually be heard.
Sending everyone who sees this, and everyone who doesn’t, much peace.