Many people have come to me or written to me over the years asking for help on how they can let go of a grudge they have. Recently I worked with a man who has held a grudge for a person he deemed “wronged” him over a decade ago. I was impressed with his self-awareness, at least, because after seeing my YouTube video on “anger targets,” he recognized that he had been holding this man as his anger target for over ten years – and as he talked it out, he said he felt silly saying out loud all the things he blamed this man for, because he had morphed him into a monster in his mind who “deserved” all the anger and hatred he held inside. I took this 5-step approach with this man, and the instant relief he felt being able to let go of this grudge he held onto for so long had me thinking that I ought to share this 5-step approach in an article. So here it is….
Although it can feel easier at times in the short run to hold onto anger for wrongs against you, the reality is that, in the long run, holding a grudge only hurts you, at a minimum, by eating away at your peace, and at a maximum: If you are actively trying to rally others to hate who you hate, then holding onto grudges can eat away at your character and your karma. In short, it’s wise to let go of any grudges you have.
(Disclaimer: In a world where people have a tendency to think in either/or extremes, (“Oh, so I guess you’re saying that we should just let go of everything that ever happened to us and just allow people to do whatever they want to us…”), it’s probably helpful for me to remind such readers that letting go of grudges does not mean completely forgetting what happened to you, it does not mean to allow others to walk all over you like a doormat, and it certainly does not mean not to set clear boundaries or not learn from past pain. Instead, letting go of grudges means moving on from the past and not allowing awful moments of your past to remain mentally present. It also means not hypocritically defining others by the kinds of standards that you refuse to be defined by yourself.)
So here are 5 easy-to-understand (but not necessarily easy to practice) steps for how you can systematically free yourself of any grudges you still have for others.
1. Think of a time when you wronged someone else (and do not allow your ego to trick you into thinking you have to have wronged someone in the exact same way that you were wronged to develop your grudge). It’s helpful here to recognize that whatever people deem as being “wronged” is what they define it as, and you have absolutely no say in that, just as others have no say in what you define as being wronged by them). Imagine too, that whatever it was you did was something that you did not fully realize could cause that kind of grudge at the time. (The more effort you put into doing this exercise, the more effectively you’ll be able to let go of any grudge you hold.)
2. Imagine the person you wronged not only held on to what you did for as long as you’ve held on to what your grudge is about, but also, that the person you wronged has held you as an anger target in his/her mind for years, often blaming you for many more things than what you are actually responsible for doing, AND, not only that (but wait, there’s more…), but also has actively rallied others to dislike you because of what you did – either by cowardly whispering gossip about you when you weren’t around to defend yourself, or by outright spreading negativity about you.
3. Avoid allowing your ego to trick you into minimizing or downplaying the wrong you did, and do not allow your ego to play the “Yes, but” game, where it acknowledges what you did, but then gives an excuse for it. Remember that, whereas people see our actions, not our intentions, we judge others by their actions, but judge ourselves by our intentions…. And because we can’t see others’ intentions, when people hurt us, we assume their intentions were willfully malicious (and our egos say things like, “No, you don’t understand, I DO KNOW that person’s intentions!” because our egos believe they’re omniscient like that).
4. Recognize that, even though you certainly had a “side to the story,” the person who holds the grudge against you only talks about what you did, and minimizes or outright denies any role that he/she played. For this step, it’s important to push yourself to move beyond the “either/or” or “Yes, but” mentality, and instead embrace a “both/and” perspective. In other words, do your best to recognize that you did have a side to and perspective on what you did to that other person – but regardless of the reality that the person who is holding the grudge against you also played a role in the interaction, that person only minimizes his/her own role, and moreover, amplifies the pain you caused or wrong you created while describing him/herself to others as a helpless victim to the “intentional” harm you caused.
5. Finally, imagine being defined by what you did to that person. Imagine the entirety of your life is encompassed completely by the pain you caused that person, and imagine that person actively rallying others to see you only as that person who caused him/her pain, freezing the essence of who you are in that point of time, keeping you there indefinitely….
And if, after genuinely doing those 5 steps, sit with the reality of whether or not you would really be okay if someone did all that to you – and then, take it one step further – ask yourself if you are appalled when people hypocritically live by the “Do as I say, don’t do as I do” philosophy — And now, alas, understand that any grudge you hold against others is absolutely and irrefutably an exercise in hypocrisy, and it is one that you would not want others to do to you.
Now, of course pain varies, and we all feel justifiably righteous in the grudges we hold (fascinatingly, our egos have a powerful way of convincing us that, regardless of how much sense any of this makes, our anger is truly righteous), so if you feel more comfortable holding onto the grudges you have, then by all means, your inner world is yours to control. But if you don’t want others to hold onto the wrongs you’ve done, and if you don’t want to be defined the mistakes you’ve made, then seriously consider using steps like these to help free yourself of the chains of anger linked by the grudges you hold.
And if you’re ready: Let go of the grudges you hold. Learn from past pain, absolutely. Set healthy boundaries in your life, absolutely. But to hold onto the pain that others caused you, or worse, to define them by it, cowardly gossip about them and rally others to dislike them – especially when you yourself are unwilling to be defined by the pain you’ve caused others (unintentional or not), is to live an unconscious life of perpetuating the very pain on others that you say (even in your own mind) that you abhor yourself. When you understand this, your mind can be free.
Sending everyone who sees this, and everyone who doesn’t, much peace.