Digging Holes: Managing Other People’s Expectations

You’ve always known Pat to be a hole digger. Pat used to literally dig holes for himself, and then stand in them. In fact, for the longest time, every time you saw Pat, he had a shovel in his hands, and he was digging a hole. Pat didn’t like digging holes, because he always had to climb out of them – so hole-digging became an issue for him. One day, he quit – which came somewhat of a surprise to you, because you so frequently observed Pat digging holes.

At some point down the road, you run into Pat, and he’s standing in a big hole, and there’s a shovel on the ground right beside him; Pat’s sweating heavily. When you ask him if he’s been digging holes again, he denies it and gets defensive. What are you thinking that Pat was just doing?

If you’re thinking that he’s probably digging holes again – that’s understandable, but consider this:

What if the issue wasn’t digging holes? What if it was rage? What if it was addiction? What if it was lying?

What if it wasn’t Pat’s behavior – but yours?

Sometimes when we change our behavior, we create unrealistic demands that others “should” somehow immediately see and acknowledge the changes we’ve made. We also seem to demand that others ”shouldn’t” accuse us of reverting to our old ways, even if the evidence surrounding us points to us doing so.

It’s true, maybe Pat wasn’t digging a hole this time. Maybe he was just walking by. But what might be helpful for Pat to understand is this: If he created an image of himself as a person who digs holes, then it seems foolish for him to expect that others should not see him in that light now simply because he doesn’t want them to (especially if he is surrounded by evidence of the behavior).

If someone accuses you of doing things that you’ve sincerely stopped doing, then consider the example of Pat. Sure, you can get angry and be defensive – but what will that accomplish? You can create unrealistic demands (of how people “should” and “should not” think); or you can realize that you dug yourself that hole, and it will likely take some time to get yourself out… And there are three important things for you to know:

  1. Having people see you differently might take longer than you want it to take.
  2. You have no control over how long it will take others to see you differently.
  3. All you can control is yourself.

 

If you’ve created an image in other’s eyes that you don’t like, and now you’ve changed the negative behaviors that led to the creation of that image, then first off: good for you. Second, be patient. It’s going to take people time to see you differently. You cannot rush people’s impressions of you. After all, if someone lied to you consistently, and then one day stopped lying to you, it might take you a long time to genuinely trust that person again – So why should it be any different for how others see you when you make a change?

Pat might not dig holes for himself anymore, but it will probably take time for others to see him differently. If Pat continues to not dig holes for himself – then that will benefit him regardless of how long it takes others to see him differently.

After all, helping ourselves is reason alone to stop digging holes….